Poor Fella

I guess the man is just plum dumbfounded as to what to say. He called me on his way to work for a few minutes to say he got the information about my surgery. He said he read through all of it, and asked if I really knew that much information about it. I actually laughed, and said, “Sadly, I do.” He really was confused on whether the surgery was a good thing or bad thing, and that definitely complicates picking up the phone to call. Ahhh, I see now.

Perhaps I need to be a bit more basic when I speak to people. Have you heard a doctor give a seminar to people who aren’t medical professionals? They continue to use the jargon and manerism that accompy their occupation. However, the information often falls on deaf ears, because it isn’t in words the listener understands. That could be what is happening here. I’m not saying I need to dumb down what I’m saying, but rather be mindful of the audience’s knowledge base. I needed to say, this surgery is a good thing. That would help people. I need to be clear on the fact that while I’m nervous, I still feel that medically it is beneficial. So, now that I know that, it should be easier to bridge this giant chasm between the two of us.

I need to bear in mind that our worlds are completely different, and that under normal circumstances we probalby would never have the opportunity to meet much less know one another personally. Despite this fact, the circumstances aren’t normal and we must find some form of common ground. Dear God, please let us find one soon. Food? Nope, totally opposite. Music? Ha, not even close. Entertainment? We both like movies, but my husband and I rarely watch them. Hobbies? Not remotely similar. Books? I read, he doesn’t. Interests? Polar opposites.

If I had been raised by this man, people surely would have asked me if I was adopted. (Yes, I know, we would have had more in common if that was the case, but you get what I’m saying.)

So, tomorrow is his birthday, and I will call tonight to wish him well and happy 50th. I did get him an rediculously expensive watch in honor of the big FIVE-OH. He’s on the phone tree list to call post surgery, and he knows as much. He seemed appreciative. So, let’s home most of this crap is just due to a bunch of new beginnings clumsiness and not par for the course.

Not Sure What to Say

I have spoken with bio dad, but it was mostly superficial. He’s obviously never going to answer my questions. My guess is that he doesn’t want to lie to me. If he honestly didn’t think about me throughout the years, I’m sure he’s embarassed.

I’ve spoked a great deal to his wife and a few times to my sister.

I believe he has no idea what to say to me considering the craziness that is infertility that I’m going through. Kind of tough to talk about your uterus to your newly found bio dad. Either way, it irritates me that major things are going on in my life, and he can’t pick up a damn phone. I’m having surgery next week, and instead of just including him in a group email, I picked up the phone and called. I told his wife about it and let her know that I did send an email as well giving all the details about it. I told her it was also included on my blog (that would be my other blog.) I could hear him in the background. I kind of lingered at the end of the conversation to see if anybody else wanted to talk, but his wife simply wrapped up the conversation. She didn’t do it rudely. She really does care about me and my situation. She ended with, “We’ll be thinking about you, and keeping you in our prayers. You have a good night sweetie.” Ummm…thanks…you too.. I just scratched my head and wondered why she didn’t ask me if I wanted to speak with bio dad or why bio dad didn’t say he wanted to talk too.

I think the whole situation just frustrates me. I make my feelings and emotions very clear, but his are held so close to him that I can’t get a glimpse of what they are. I guess I’ll figure it out eventually. After all, only time will tell.

Proactive

Bio dad is definitely not being proactive here, but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. That’s what I typically do. My guess is that he doesn’t know what to say and is put off still by my honesty with him. Some people don’t know what to do when somebody tells them they hurt their feelings. I grew up with being told when I hurt my parent’s feelings. It taught me empathy. I realized how to rebound from it. I learned to say I’m sorry, mean it, and move forward. I learned it isn’t a relationship breaker, but more like a speed bump. It’s a reminder to slow down and consider the other person’s feelings. What a great lesson! I guess not everybody is afforded that opportunity to learn that. I forget sometimes.

So, this morning I sent him a short and simple email.

“I haven’t heard from you in a while. Is everything ok?”

It’s general enough to allow him to respond in a number of ways. Is everything ok with you, your family, us, the world…you name it. It also aknowledges that I’ve noticed his absence. It ‘s communication from my camp, allowing some to come from his. It’s an olive branch of sorts. Am I far off here? Perhaps he may not understand that, but I’m hoping he will. HOWEVER, this is NOT a get out of jail free card. He seriously needs to answer my questions and communicate with me. If he wants that kind of relationship where we just gloss over things, a fairweather father (oooh, my new term….we’ll refer to it as fwf) then that’s what we’ll be. However, he cannot expect to be the first person I call with good information. He may be somewhere in the middle to the end of the list. He won’t be able to expect me to talk about the important things in my life in depth. He’s going to miss out on most of who I am, and our relationship will always feel superficial and phony to me. This will be HIS choice.

Let’s see what happens next.

What I think I learned…

I sent an email well over a week ago to bio dad, and he never responded. I asked him questions that were important to me. Did you think about me while I was growing up? You know the questions every child who’s biological parent has split wants to know the answers to. I called him after sending it, and he confirmed he recieved it. He told me he would email me back with his answers soon.

Still waiting.

That shouldn’t be a fucking hard question.

Sorry, a bit upset over here. A lot has been happening in my world. He hasn’t called in eight days, and prior to visiting he was calling every day to every other day. So, should I be believe he met me and simply didn’t like me? When we left he gave me a card, and inside it said that since I was back in his life again, he was never going to leave it again. A part of me wants to slap a post it on it with “Send this back to me when you really mean it.” and send it back to him.

He told me he reads my main blog daily. If that is the case, when he read that I had a miscarriage on Sunday, don’t you think he would have communicated with me in some way? If he’s uncomfortable calling, he could send an email. He could have called my mom (now that they are comfortable talking.) It would have only taken three little words….

“Are you ok?”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Can I help?”
“That really sucks.”

I’m not picky folks! Obviously a future “I love you” is purely out of the question. I’ve learned that just because you created somebody, doesn’t guarantee you will love them. The person who has truly given me life, the man who never knows what to say in these kinds of situations, the man who raised me, the man who wants desperately for all my dreams to come true, gave me a kiss on the forehead and said those very special three words, “I love you.” I’m lucky to have people in my life who love me so unconditionally. So unconditionally, in fact, that I have no idea how to deal with this new person in my life who doesn’t show any concern for me. A person who doesn’t really want to know what I’m thinking. A person who I don’t feel like I can just randomly pick up the phone and call. That’s truly sad, because that’s what I was hoping for…more family.

I now read a lot of blogs written by first moms, and listen to how much they love their children. I start to wonder if my bio dad doesn’t love me like they love their children because he didn’t carry me inside him. Then I think of a man who is a bio dad out there, he knows who he is, and think of his story. That theory doesn’t hold water, because he appears to love his daughter, and he didn’t know she even existed until thirteen years had passed. My bio dad was there throughout the pregnancy and first year of my life. Surely he would have bonded at some point. Now, I’m just not sure.

So, here I sit feeling like my world is spinning around me, and so very sad for this man. Sad that he missed twenty six years of my life. Sad that he may miss holding his grandchildren (some day, right?), and I would very much like to have him included in all of this. Awww…crap.

You Never Know What You’re Going to Get

Want the truth? I’m not sure how I feel about my biological father. He seems wishy washy, disorganized, unmotivated, and indecisive. On the other hand, he’s kind, caring, and a bit funny. He’s not an effective communicator. Wait, perhaps it’s better to say he doesn’t communicate with me in a way in which I understand. I’m just not sure I can trust him yet. I don’t think he wants to hear the truth about how I feel about him either. I’m angry that he never tried to contact me when I was younger. I’m upset that he thinks things will just be happily ever after, without even really getting to know me. Uggghhh…what a head ache. I hope things get better. I told him some of the things I posted below this post, and he said I hurt his feelings. What I want to know is he upset that he hurt me? Or, is he upset that I told him the truth and didn’t just pretend everything was wonderful during our visit? If anybody should have the right to be hurt, ahem, that would be me.

I know without a doubt I will never be as important to him as his other daughter and his wife. How do you reconcile that? I guess I can be thankful that my parents put me first, are always there to support me, and would go to the end of the world for me. Then, why is this so damn frustrating?

How it Went

Last week was a difficult one for me. I really had no idea what to expect. I was about to meet a man who gave me life, his new wife, and his daughter. I had no idea what was going to be expected of me. I was unsure of what my role was going to be. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be what you expected, and the trip would end with an “I’m glad we met, but there really is no room in my life for you right now.”

Your wife had said that she was impressed that I could get in the car with two strangers and go with what the day handed me. The truth is that I was terrified. I presented a calm exterior despite what was happening on the inside. Perhaps life has jaded me in some ways. I’ve had many, many, many people in my life say wonderful things to me, and then turn around and hurt me more deeply than I ever could have guessed. It was a natural assumption that this too could end up that way. It is one thing to say you are accepting of a twenty-seven year old woman that you really don’t know into your life, and a completely different thing to actually make it work.

That first day was interesting for me. I sat on the end of the couch and attempted to internalize all that was surrounding me. Nothing was familiar, and everything was new. This was the equivalent to walking on a tight rope without a net. I wasn’t myself that day. I was a more timid, quiet, and introverted woman, and I am almost never that way. The day came to a close and I was left ambivalent.

The next few days were a whirlwind for me. I get the days confused, and can’t remember what order they came in. This is what I know for sure. Pardon the list, it’s just a bit easier.

• I felt a lot of anxiety to immediately jump into the role of sister. I’ve never been anybody’s sister before. Compound that with the fact that I’m somebody’s sister who is twenty years younger than me, and I’ve never met her or her family before. It was a tad bit overwhelming.
• I do adore my sister. She’s silly and fun, and some of her behaviors remind me of myself. I too stuck my tongue out a lot, loved to strike a pose for pictures as a child, and enjoyed being with all the grown ups. I’m just not used to being around children so often. I hope I did a good job.
• I truly did not care what the house looked like. I wasn’t saying that just to placate anybody.
• I was beyond frustrated the day my mother and I went shopping. We had dinner plans that night for Red Lobster. We truly did rush our shopping and went home sooner than we would have. When we called for directions, and you canceled our plans; I was pissed as all hell. I could have spit fire. I thought it was inconsiderate to cancel plans at the last minute. I could have used that day to visit my uncle while we were already that way. Then, I could have gotten to see him too while we were there. A bit of a warning would have been nice that the plans were changing. This is not to say that I don’t understand why they were changed. In fact, I understand that circumstances were what they were, and that they could not have been changed. I would have just appreciated more notice.
• I truly felt as if the week’s plans were dictated by everybody but me. I’m simply just not used to that. Then, when plans were made, you were late or cancelled. This is in direct conflict with my personality. I was upset and hurt. I felt as if I wasn’t important enough for you to be on time for, or too insignificant to follow through on plans with. I felt these were rationale thoughts considering I don’t know you, and there was a serious lack of effective communication.
• I truly enjoyed spending time with my sister at Friendly’s, and want to thank you for making that happen.
• I politely request that any further comments regarding God and his plans concerning my reproducing cease. I seriously can’t guarantee that I will continue to be graceful and bite my tongue. I do understand that such comments are meant to be helpful, but they sear a hole in my heart. In essence it is as if somebody is saying that my having a child is based on God’s will, and since I don’t have one, then it isn’t his will. Don’t get me started on that.
• I felt a lot of the time there was spent appeasing others’ fears, and that mine were never addressed. (This is partly my fault.)
• I was extremely grateful to my mom for her care and concern and for contacting you with those concerns. However a part of me was screaming, “If I’m important to him, shouldn’t he want to spend some time with me? Shouldn’t this be his idea?!? Why should we have to tell him that I want time for just the two of us!?! Everybody else has him 365 days a year, and I have missed the past 25 years. I don’t want to make him spend time with me. I want him to want to.” Of course, these thoughts lead me down an emotional tear filled road.
• I enjoyed every minute that we got to spend together. It didn’t matter what we were doing. I was just glad to share the day together.
• Saying good bye to all of you was very difficult.
• I’m still concerned that you will disappear. I’m afraid that if I begin to care about you too much, I will end up hurt when you leave.

I did come up with a few questions:

• What made you decide to try and find me when you tried?
• How do you feel about me?
• Am I what you expected?
• Did you think about me throughout the years?
• Perhaps it would have been difficult to have a relationship while I was growing up, but why didn’t you at least write a letter or letters? (Even if you never mailed them, you could have saved them for a day like last week.)
• Why did you never try to see me after the visit when I was little?

So far, that’s how reunion has felt. I’m glad I did it. I do want a relationship with him. I’m just afraid to place to much stock in it just yet. I guess you can say I’m protecting my heart.

Reunion

My mother and I drive together today to make our way to Florida, where I will reunite with my biological father. I’m not sure there are the right words to describe the tornado I have in myself. We’ve been talking on the phone for the past month, and I really care about him and his family.

So, tomorrow morning, I will be drinking my morning cup of coffee when I meet him and his wife (whom I am so similar to it scares the hell out of me!)

Stories upon my return. Sorry I’ve been so distant, but I’ve been talking for hours each night to bio family! I didn’t think you’d blame me for that!

All the Grown Ups

It appears that all of the grown ups are behaving better than I could have ever imagined. Mom and bio dad are emailing and getting to know each other for who they are today. They have decided to set some private time aside to reconcile their past when we go to visit. I’m so proud of them. So, we’ve also set time up for the five of us to all go to dinner together. My mother and I will be cooking dinner at our condo for them. So, I’m intensely thankful for all of the respect everybody is showing each other. It makes it easier for me to breathe.

This is me sighing a giant sigh of relief.

I Feel Guilty

There are so many emotions and thoughts running around in my mind. My bio dad reads my other blog every day, and calls when he wants to talk about something I wrote. It’s nice, and I enjoy talking with him. We talk about three times a week. It’s a great ice breaker. From what I can see his is a doting dad to my sister and a nice guy. Yesterday we chatted about different jobs he’s held in the past, what he does now, and where he is going. I talked with my husband about it after we hung up. Instantly I felt guilty for feeling that I lived a much more priveldged life by living with my mom and dad. It’s a fact though. Socioeconomically we travel in different circles. It doesn’t make us better by any means. It just a difference. There wouldn’t have been trips all over the world if my mother had stayed with him. Rather, we would have struggled our entire life. It’s just strange. This of course does not affect my relationship with him or the type of man he is. It’s just a difference.

My bio dad is a welder, and my long time dad is a nuclear engineer. I would have been raised so differently. It’s interesting to sit and think what my life would have been like had things been different. Now I feel like a spoiled rotten brat for being grateful that things turned out the way they did. However, why wouldn’t I? I love my long time dad, and wouldn’t trade him for the world. Now, I’m just struggling to figure out where bio dad fits into the picture. Perhaps it will all fall into place when we meet. Perhaps not.

Counting Down to Reunion

I am sooo nervous about meeting bio dad. Give me strength to follow through. I have the normal fears…what if he doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like him? What will we talk about? Where will I fit into his life afterwards? Where will he want me to fit? Where will I want to fit? Am I ready to do this? If I ask that question, I will get overwhelmed, and chicken out. So, counting down the days, and hoping for the best!