You Never Know What You’re Going to Get

Want the truth? I’m not sure how I feel about my biological father. He seems wishy washy, disorganized, unmotivated, and indecisive. On the other hand, he’s kind, caring, and a bit funny. He’s not an effective communicator. Wait, perhaps it’s better to say he doesn’t communicate with me in a way in which I understand. I’m just not sure I can trust him yet. I don’t think he wants to hear the truth about how I feel about him either. I’m angry that he never tried to contact me when I was younger. I’m upset that he thinks things will just be happily ever after, without even really getting to know me. Uggghhh…what a head ache. I hope things get better. I told him some of the things I posted below this post, and he said I hurt his feelings. What I want to know is he upset that he hurt me? Or, is he upset that I told him the truth and didn’t just pretend everything was wonderful during our visit? If anybody should have the right to be hurt, ahem, that would be me.

I know without a doubt I will never be as important to him as his other daughter and his wife. How do you reconcile that? I guess I can be thankful that my parents put me first, are always there to support me, and would go to the end of the world for me. Then, why is this so damn frustrating?

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Published in: on March 23, 2007 at 1:32 pm  Comments (6)  

How it Went

Last week was a difficult one for me. I really had no idea what to expect. I was about to meet a man who gave me life, his new wife, and his daughter. I had no idea what was going to be expected of me. I was unsure of what my role was going to be. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be what you expected, and the trip would end with an “I’m glad we met, but there really is no room in my life for you right now.”

Your wife had said that she was impressed that I could get in the car with two strangers and go with what the day handed me. The truth is that I was terrified. I presented a calm exterior despite what was happening on the inside. Perhaps life has jaded me in some ways. I’ve had many, many, many people in my life say wonderful things to me, and then turn around and hurt me more deeply than I ever could have guessed. It was a natural assumption that this too could end up that way. It is one thing to say you are accepting of a twenty-seven year old woman that you really don’t know into your life, and a completely different thing to actually make it work.

That first day was interesting for me. I sat on the end of the couch and attempted to internalize all that was surrounding me. Nothing was familiar, and everything was new. This was the equivalent to walking on a tight rope without a net. I wasn’t myself that day. I was a more timid, quiet, and introverted woman, and I am almost never that way. The day came to a close and I was left ambivalent.

The next few days were a whirlwind for me. I get the days confused, and can’t remember what order they came in. This is what I know for sure. Pardon the list, it’s just a bit easier.

• I felt a lot of anxiety to immediately jump into the role of sister. I’ve never been anybody’s sister before. Compound that with the fact that I’m somebody’s sister who is twenty years younger than me, and I’ve never met her or her family before. It was a tad bit overwhelming.
• I do adore my sister. She’s silly and fun, and some of her behaviors remind me of myself. I too stuck my tongue out a lot, loved to strike a pose for pictures as a child, and enjoyed being with all the grown ups. I’m just not used to being around children so often. I hope I did a good job.
• I truly did not care what the house looked like. I wasn’t saying that just to placate anybody.
• I was beyond frustrated the day my mother and I went shopping. We had dinner plans that night for Red Lobster. We truly did rush our shopping and went home sooner than we would have. When we called for directions, and you canceled our plans; I was pissed as all hell. I could have spit fire. I thought it was inconsiderate to cancel plans at the last minute. I could have used that day to visit my uncle while we were already that way. Then, I could have gotten to see him too while we were there. A bit of a warning would have been nice that the plans were changing. This is not to say that I don’t understand why they were changed. In fact, I understand that circumstances were what they were, and that they could not have been changed. I would have just appreciated more notice.
• I truly felt as if the week’s plans were dictated by everybody but me. I’m simply just not used to that. Then, when plans were made, you were late or cancelled. This is in direct conflict with my personality. I was upset and hurt. I felt as if I wasn’t important enough for you to be on time for, or too insignificant to follow through on plans with. I felt these were rationale thoughts considering I don’t know you, and there was a serious lack of effective communication.
• I truly enjoyed spending time with my sister at Friendly’s, and want to thank you for making that happen.
• I politely request that any further comments regarding God and his plans concerning my reproducing cease. I seriously can’t guarantee that I will continue to be graceful and bite my tongue. I do understand that such comments are meant to be helpful, but they sear a hole in my heart. In essence it is as if somebody is saying that my having a child is based on God’s will, and since I don’t have one, then it isn’t his will. Don’t get me started on that.
• I felt a lot of the time there was spent appeasing others’ fears, and that mine were never addressed. (This is partly my fault.)
• I was extremely grateful to my mom for her care and concern and for contacting you with those concerns. However a part of me was screaming, “If I’m important to him, shouldn’t he want to spend some time with me? Shouldn’t this be his idea?!? Why should we have to tell him that I want time for just the two of us!?! Everybody else has him 365 days a year, and I have missed the past 25 years. I don’t want to make him spend time with me. I want him to want to.” Of course, these thoughts lead me down an emotional tear filled road.
• I enjoyed every minute that we got to spend together. It didn’t matter what we were doing. I was just glad to share the day together.
• Saying good bye to all of you was very difficult.
• I’m still concerned that you will disappear. I’m afraid that if I begin to care about you too much, I will end up hurt when you leave.

I did come up with a few questions:

• What made you decide to try and find me when you tried?
• How do you feel about me?
• Am I what you expected?
• Did you think about me throughout the years?
• Perhaps it would have been difficult to have a relationship while I was growing up, but why didn’t you at least write a letter or letters? (Even if you never mailed them, you could have saved them for a day like last week.)
• Why did you never try to see me after the visit when I was little?

So far, that’s how reunion has felt. I’m glad I did it. I do want a relationship with him. I’m just afraid to place to much stock in it just yet. I guess you can say I’m protecting my heart.

Published in: on March 21, 2007 at 6:59 am  Comments (6)  

Reunion

My mother and I drive together today to make our way to Florida, where I will reunite with my biological father. I’m not sure there are the right words to describe the tornado I have in myself. We’ve been talking on the phone for the past month, and I really care about him and his family.

So, tomorrow morning, I will be drinking my morning cup of coffee when I meet him and his wife (whom I am so similar to it scares the hell out of me!)

Stories upon my return. Sorry I’ve been so distant, but I’ve been talking for hours each night to bio family! I didn’t think you’d blame me for that!

Published in: on March 10, 2007 at 6:30 am  Comments (4)  

All the Grown Ups

It appears that all of the grown ups are behaving better than I could have ever imagined. Mom and bio dad are emailing and getting to know each other for who they are today. They have decided to set some private time aside to reconcile their past when we go to visit. I’m so proud of them. So, we’ve also set time up for the five of us to all go to dinner together. My mother and I will be cooking dinner at our condo for them. So, I’m intensely thankful for all of the respect everybody is showing each other. It makes it easier for me to breathe.

This is me sighing a giant sigh of relief.

Published in: on February 21, 2007 at 2:27 pm  Comments (8)  

I Feel Guilty

There are so many emotions and thoughts running around in my mind. My bio dad reads my other blog every day, and calls when he wants to talk about something I wrote. It’s nice, and I enjoy talking with him. We talk about three times a week. It’s a great ice breaker. From what I can see his is a doting dad to my sister and a nice guy. Yesterday we chatted about different jobs he’s held in the past, what he does now, and where he is going. I talked with my husband about it after we hung up. Instantly I felt guilty for feeling that I lived a much more priveldged life by living with my mom and dad. It’s a fact though. Socioeconomically we travel in different circles. It doesn’t make us better by any means. It just a difference. There wouldn’t have been trips all over the world if my mother had stayed with him. Rather, we would have struggled our entire life. It’s just strange. This of course does not affect my relationship with him or the type of man he is. It’s just a difference.

My bio dad is a welder, and my long time dad is a nuclear engineer. I would have been raised so differently. It’s interesting to sit and think what my life would have been like had things been different. Now I feel like a spoiled rotten brat for being grateful that things turned out the way they did. However, why wouldn’t I? I love my long time dad, and wouldn’t trade him for the world. Now, I’m just struggling to figure out where bio dad fits into the picture. Perhaps it will all fall into place when we meet. Perhaps not.

Published in: on February 16, 2007 at 5:00 pm  Comments (7)  

Counting Down to Reunion

I am sooo nervous about meeting bio dad. Give me strength to follow through. I have the normal fears…what if he doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like him? What will we talk about? Where will I fit into his life afterwards? Where will he want me to fit? Where will I want to fit? Am I ready to do this? If I ask that question, I will get overwhelmed, and chicken out. So, counting down the days, and hoping for the best!

Published in: on February 14, 2007 at 7:35 am  Comments (6)