This Christmas my mother bought us a C.abbage P.atch S.nuggle B.ean, and the kicker is she is black. Go figure! My mother has voiced her concerns in the past over us adopting a child of a different race. Could this be the first sign that she is coming around? I sure hope so.
I walked into my parent’s house yesterday, and said, “Mom, I think I want to have a baby shower.”
She replied, “Um, you’re not pregnant.”
(No shit, and thanks for the reminder.)
Again she replied, “I’ve never heard of anybody doing that. At least not that I’m aware of.”
Me, “They do, and it is acceptible, and a great way to welcome the baby into the family.”
Her, “Well, don’t expect any support from the family.”
(What the hell is this all about?!? My grandmother is excited. I haven’t discussed it with others. However they live far away, and it’s not their decision.)
The convesation boiled down to me being upset, and feeling that she didn’t support me in my pursuit of adoption. Allow me to clarify, she’s understanding and excited as long as the child fits her criteria. Cucasion newborn. Um, yeah. Most likely not going to happen. She was the first and only person not excited about the idea. It was definitely a bummer. We’re close, and her support means a lot to me.
How long will it taker her to warm up to the idea of adoption? She says she is supportive, and tells everybody that. However, these off handed comments, lead me to believe otherwise.
My husband and I are making a solid attempt to be even better than the couple we used to be. Before we were kicked in the shins by infertility. We’re working towards dating, and yesterday I researched a ton of things to do in the area for only a few bucks. How exciting! A chance to get to know him and myself all over again. I will tell you one thing, I’ve never been more excited about dating anybody in my life! Can you believe I’m even a bit nervous?! I’m sure this will prove to be very interesting!
I talked to an old friend on the phone yesterday. She’s the kind who will let you bear your soul. So, I did. I guess it is what I really needed to do. I told her how I thought I had changed, mentally, physically, and emotionally. How I felt about my body and the world around me. We discussed where I was going from here. We talked about marriage, and infertility’s toll. When all was done, we had laughed and cried together. She described what it is like to be an outsider watching a friend go through infertility,
“It’s like standing underneath a giant waterfall. So much coming down on you at once, and you can barely comprehend the force. Yet, when you have time to step back, take a look again from a distance, you begin to understand it.”
I can see what she means. I’ve had time to analyze all of this, and she gets the condensed versions. I love her for being such a wonderful person, and for trying to understand.
In other news, I’m just plain exhausted from the push pull of adoption and infertility. My parents want us to keep riding the infertility roller coaster of treatment. My husband’s want us to move on to adoption. I’m with my husband’s parents, but have to live eight miles from my own. My mother hasn’t been playing fairly either. She pushes emotional buttons that she believes will make me do what she wants me to do. Standing up to her has never been easy for me, largely due to the fact that we are very close friends as well. So, when comments like, “You’re not giving up are you!” come to rise. I squirm, and reply, “No, Mom, just moving on.” So, now I am going to go and take some more M.otrin and try to remember that this too will pass.
Don’t you hate when you wake up knowing that today’s the day where your pregnancy test will be accurate, and you do the obligatory check for your period. While you stand there ready to pick up either the pregnancy test or the tampon, your heart knows what you crave. However, I had to grab for the box of tampons. I knew last night. I had started spotting.
This month we spent over $1,000 in our quest to become parents. Wow, just plain wow. I could have gone on vacation, and improved my marriage. We all know unsexy infertility is. Whether it is male or female factor, it’s added baggage. Since being diagnosed with infertility, I have never felt uglier. It’s more than the added weight from the fertility meds. It’s something about my womanhood. I’m not sure if I can put my finger on it. Why on Earth should not being able to bear a child make me feel less womanly, less sexy, less attractive all around? How do I get that back?
I miss the me, from the beginning of last summer. The woman who was sipping her cocktail pool side. I miss the me of two years ago, visiting museums and hiking in the mountains. I miss me prior to all of this.
I felt the need to create this space, because my other blog is accessible to my family. While I love them dearly, there are times you simply wish to say what is on your mind. You don’t always want them to hear your thoughts, opinions, and sometimes complaints. I will be sure to post here soon. I just need to let a few know that I have found a second home.