What I think I learned…

I sent an email well over a week ago to bio dad, and he never responded. I asked him questions that were important to me. Did you think about me while I was growing up? You know the questions every child who’s biological parent has split wants to know the answers to. I called him after sending it, and he confirmed he recieved it. He told me he would email me back with his answers soon.

Still waiting.

That shouldn’t be a fucking hard question.

Sorry, a bit upset over here. A lot has been happening in my world. He hasn’t called in eight days, and prior to visiting he was calling every day to every other day. So, should I be believe he met me and simply didn’t like me? When we left he gave me a card, and inside it said that since I was back in his life again, he was never going to leave it again. A part of me wants to slap a post it on it with “Send this back to me when you really mean it.” and send it back to him.

He told me he reads my main blog daily. If that is the case, when he read that I had a miscarriage on Sunday, don’t you think he would have communicated with me in some way? If he’s uncomfortable calling, he could send an email. He could have called my mom (now that they are comfortable talking.) It would have only taken three little words….

“Are you ok?”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Can I help?”
“That really sucks.”

I’m not picky folks! Obviously a future “I love you” is purely out of the question. I’ve learned that just because you created somebody, doesn’t guarantee you will love them. The person who has truly given me life, the man who never knows what to say in these kinds of situations, the man who raised me, the man who wants desperately for all my dreams to come true, gave me a kiss on the forehead and said those very special three words, “I love you.” I’m lucky to have people in my life who love me so unconditionally. So unconditionally, in fact, that I have no idea how to deal with this new person in my life who doesn’t show any concern for me. A person who doesn’t really want to know what I’m thinking. A person who I don’t feel like I can just randomly pick up the phone and call. That’s truly sad, because that’s what I was hoping for…more family.

I now read a lot of blogs written by first moms, and listen to how much they love their children. I start to wonder if my bio dad doesn’t love me like they love their children because he didn’t carry me inside him. Then I think of a man who is a bio dad out there, he knows who he is, and think of his story. That theory doesn’t hold water, because he appears to love his daughter, and he didn’t know she even existed until thirteen years had passed. My bio dad was there throughout the pregnancy and first year of my life. Surely he would have bonded at some point. Now, I’m just not sure.

So, here I sit feeling like my world is spinning around me, and so very sad for this man. Sad that he missed twenty six years of my life. Sad that he may miss holding his grandchildren (some day, right?), and I would very much like to have him included in all of this. Awww…crap.

Published in: on April 3, 2007 at 7:01 am  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I think it’s the individual and not the situation. I think there are people who can jump straight into love. And there are others who can’t and by the time they’re led to love, it’s too late. The receiver doesn’t even know if she wants it because she doesn’t trust it. I’m sorry you’re going through this perfect storm of crap–the 8 week loss, the gain of a parent. I only hope that he comes around and finds his way. You are a wonderful caring person and he can only benefit from having you in his life.

  2. This must be so hard to deal with. The thing is that we tend to stew about stuff. Try not to figure out what is in his head or what he might be thinking. We tend to project what OUR reasonings would be in any given situation. “If I didn’t call after regular phone calls, this is what my behavior would imply….” etc.

    Most likely he has no idea how all this is affecting you. He has no idea how much weight you are putting in his each response or lack thereof. He is a man afterall….

    Oh Becks. You’ve got enough on your plate. I wish that he could give you what you need and answer the questions that you need answered.

    Thinking of you.

  3. OK. This is a big sweeping generalization, but I have to wonder if there’s a gender difference here.

    How many blogs have you seen that are written by first dads? *WAY WAY WAY* fewer than first moms. I wonder if either a) men do experience less loss and frustration with the separation or b) they are so socialized not to express it that it seems like they do.

    In any event, it’s not about you. You are loved by so many people and this guy clearly either does not appreciate or he is too scared/ashamed/confused to contact you.

    I am so sorry you’re dealing with this.

  4. This is so clearly a case of “it’s not you, it’s him.” I know that’s hard to believe emotionally (been there – I didn’t have contact with my bio mom for 10 years).

    I am so sorry he’s not stepping up for you.

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