Scared as all hell…

Background:

My mom is my mom and my dad is my dad. There you go. My mom is my biological mother, but my dad adopted me when I was two or so. I have always always wondered about my biological father…yes, even though he was an abusive, cheating, not so very nice man.

I am reading a book called Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child, Making Sense of the Past by Betsy Keefer and Jayne E. Schooler. If you are considering adopting or fostering, run and get a copy today. It is wonderful.

This is disconnected in part because it is very difficult to write. I understand why my mother gave me very limited information as a child about my biological father. She wanted to protect me. She wanted to protect me from what he was or could still be. He didn’t abuse me, but my mother. Badly. She didn’t want me to know the gory details, because they are painful for her. She probably didn’t want me to think that I could turn out just like him. She probably didn’t want me to open a door you can’t shut (in her opinion.) I’m also thinking she was worried about my loyalty, and about the concept of me loving him.

This is all so strange to me. I’ve never thought one should have to choose one side over another. You have enough room in your heart to love both your parents, relatives, spouses, etc. Why can’t I love him too? Ok, I’m not sure whether he is worthy of my love or not, but I sure would like the opportunity to know. I am very aware of this very secret past of mine (shhh….don’t tell. Don’t get me started on that,) every time I fill out a medical questionnaire. I don’t have the words to express how strange it is to have missing pieces.

As we walk down the road of adoption, I’m very clear what I will and won’t do to my own children surrounding adoption. They have every right to know their biological children. Let me be very clear here…I don’t care how bad they are perceived to be. They have the right, the need, and should be provided the opportunity. I don’t want my child to sit in front of their computer one day, nearly in tears, because she is scared that she truly wants to know more about her biological parent. This won’t be acceptable to my parents (I understand, don’t blame them, and love them regardless.) I simply have to know. I need to know. God help me, but I am not sure I am brave enough.

He has always known my mother’s last name when she remarried. He could have found me, but didn’t. I have to know why. I simply have to, but am scared.

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Published in: on January 25, 2007 at 9:50 pm  Comments (5)  

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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. *hug* I don’t really know what to say. I’ll be thinking of you as you work through this.

  2. Oh my. What a situation. I can understand your need to know. And isn’t it something that now that you are facing adoption, this gives you a unique perspective into it?

    Perhaps you should talk to My Reality. She’s a good resource.

  3. Well, as Fly has said, I have been there kind of. I am adopted and I know what you mean about filling out the forms in the medical offices. My situation is different, but also in a lot of ways, very similar. I know my biological father. I have my biological mother’s name and know where her parents live. I am too chicken to do anything about it though. It is a difficult call to make.

    I know about so many of the ‘what ifs’ and questions that are probably running around in your mind.

    If you do ever want to chat about it, email me.

    I don’t blame you for wanting to know more. I would too. And I do, but like you, I am scared.

  4. Well, I think what you want to know is only natural. Along with the fact that you’re terrified. Why wouldn’t you be?

    From my perspective, I think you’re absolutely right, no matter how bad or good or indifferent they are, kids have the right to know their biological parents. They need to do so. If the situation is too unhealthy for them, then you have to set boundaries, of course, but just as there is room in our hearts for more than one child, there is room in their hearts for more than one mom or dad.

    And thanks for the book recc, BTW.

  5. Really nice site you have here. I’ve been reading for a while but this post made me want to say 2 thumbs up. Keep up the great work


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