So Complicated

Life can be so damn messy. I’ve known for a while that my mother (and according to her my father too) feels strongly about us adopting a child of a different race. I thought things were getting better. Not so much.

I guess yesterday we hit a nerve. We met my parents at their house for a scheduled game night. My husband had brought printed copies of the paperwork that was completed yesterday. I was reading some of the questions and answers. Well, today the proverbial shit hit the fan.

My parents are left numb from infertility, and subsequently our decision to end treatment. My mother would have lovd to see me wear the gold medal in the pain olympics. There I’d be standing baby in arms from the event we all know as IVF. However, we bailed out and didn’t make the team. She feels as if we worked so hard to get a diagnosis, and then we walked away without seeing things through. She feels I will regret it, especially when my sibling has children.

She has made comments that left me reeling. Well, if it was me I’d want to adopt with a “birthmother.” Oh the shame of adopting through foster care. Grrr. The problem she says later isn’t with adopting this method, but the child we choose. Oh, no, not a child of another race! Say it isn’t so! She reiterated again, how she just doesn’t know she could love them. Again I was subject to the fact that she grew up in a violent neighborhood, and now I was considering adopting one of them. One. of. them.

Grow up. Get over it. I have no patience for this lame excuse for bigotry. She in no way treats other races differently, but accepting one of them into the family is another story. She says she’s tired of hearing how accepting we are of a child of a different race, and how a child is a child is a child. She reached the end of her rope with this subject, and has shouted (literally) “Enough!”

That my friends put us an at an impasse. Neither side willing to budge or change. This is my freakin’ life.

My parents have always been by my side. My number one fans. Biggest supports. They say, “Now, you husband’s parents will just have to step up to the plate. Since they are sooo aceepting of your polka dotted baby.” (Side Note: We always say we don’t care if the child is green with yellow polka dots, etc.) Knife in chest, and twisted. Cast aside for standing up for what I believe in. Lead to believe I should hold my head in shame for doing what we feel is right.

I’m sad, hurt, and angry as all hell.

What to do….

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Published in: on January 12, 2007 at 2:49 am  Comments (7)  

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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Ouch! I am so sorry, I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you… I guess the only thing I can say is follow your heart. You know what’s right for you, and anyone else who doesn’t… I guess that’s their problem.

    Wish I had more wisdom. Only peripheral members of my extended famliy have an issue with us adopting outside our race and DH and I have decided that if worst comes to worst we could just cease contact. No way I could do that wih my mom, though, and I don’t imagine you could either.

    So sorry.

  2. I wish that your parents weren’t making this so difficult for you. I think bottom line, you follow your heart.

    If a polka dotted baby or child is what makes you feel like you have your family, then you do what is best for your family.

    I do think your parents will come around once they meet the child, even if they don’t like a polka dotted grandchild, I think they will do it for you. When they see how happy you are, maybe that will help smooth things over.

    In my personal life, if someone isn’t supportive, they don’t get any details about my life. It can be harsh, but sometimes being selfish is the best thing for self preservation.

  3. Based on the fact that prior to this point you had a strong relationship with your mother, I would recommend family therapy. I think many people throw out that idea, but I don’t truly believe everyone will benefit. I think you need a strong foundation to return to for it to be successful. And you do have that strong foundation. Therefore, I think it would be helpful.

    I would write her a letter. I think you’ll have the best luck getting out your words without interruption and it’s more personal than email. And I would tell her how you love her and you need her to be on board with this because she is about to become a grandmother. And you need her to be in your child’s life. You need her to teach your child all the things she taught you. I think she needs to keep hearing that she is about to become a grandmother–make it personal to her. Then it’s not about you and it’s not about the child, she needs to see her own role in this. Does that make sense?

    I’m sorry. This is so crappy. And lack of family support I think hurts the most.

  4. I got a lot of “worries” at first from our family when we decided to foster/adopt a medically needy baby. I even called my mom once telling her I decided I couldn’t handle him and was gonna “wait for another baby.” Thank God hubby was thinking straight and put me in line. I feel bad for thinking that now. Anyway, now my family couldn’t imagine life without him!

    About the race issue, they usually try to place kids with foster families of the same race, so this may never be an issue unless ya’ll are planning on taking a child of another race because you know they are harder to place and may not have a home otherwise.

    I don’t know if I mentioned in my blog, but Princess is biracial, and both our families feel kinda like yours, but would love the child anyway. She looks white, so much that social services is doubting the guy is her father. I often wonder what our family would think if she resembled her “father.”

    I know it’s hard, but if you and hubby have made a decision and your family doesn’t treat the child well, you may have to cut them off. That’s what hubby and I are going through now with Princess. Our family thinks it’s too soon for another baby. They don’t understand with infertility, you don’t have the luxury of spacing your kids how you want. When you get the offer for a baby, you take it.

    Sorry for writing a book. Email me if you want to talk more.

  5. You seriously need to get rid of your parents. Give them up for adoption and find some new ones.

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