100% Not Pregnant

Don’t you hate when you wake up knowing that today’s the day where your pregnancy test will be accurate, and you do the obligatory check for your period. While you stand there ready to pick up either the pregnancy test or the tampon, your heart knows what you crave. However, I had to grab for the box of tampons. I knew last night. I had started spotting.

This month we spent over $1,000 in our quest to become parents. Wow, just plain wow. I could have gone on vacation, and improved my marriage. We all know unsexy infertility is. Whether it is male or female factor, it’s added baggage. Since being diagnosed with infertility, I have never felt uglier. It’s more than the added weight from the fertility meds. It’s something about my womanhood. I’m not sure if I can put my finger on it. Why on Earth should not being able to bear a child make me feel less womanly, less sexy, less attractive all around? How do I get that back?

I miss the me, from the beginning of last summer. The woman who was sipping her cocktail pool side. I miss the me of two years ago, visiting museums and hiking in the mountains. I miss me prior to all of this.

Published in: on December 18, 2006 at 7:59 pm  Comments (6)  

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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I wish I knew how to get the old me back too.

  2. We had that exact argument this weekend. There’s something about IVF, miscarriage, the hormones, the bloating from the drugs…I just don’t feel sexy anymore. I hadn’t realized it until we fought about it and now? I just want me back again.

    PS-hello at your new digs. Twisted Ovaries is also a side blog I split off to keep from view of my family. I can relate.

  3. I know the feeling, especially with IUI’s my period would always come bright and early the day I could do a pg test. It sucked bad! All that waiting and money and a big fat expensive period!

    I’m really sorry.

  4. I did the exact same thing with my blog. It’s important to have a place where you don’t feel like you have to put on a happy face. I know exactly what you mean about missing you. I feel like I get a glimpse every now and then of how life was before all of this junk. Those little glimpses are coming more frequently now that we’ve decided to adopt and to try to leave all the infertility stuff behind us. Easier said than done some days:)
    I’m looking forward to reading all your posts!

  5. I miss the old me, too. Maybe we need to have an old me reunion.

    I really am sorry this cycle didn’t work.

  6. I know exactly what you mean. I feel sometimes like there’s so much focus on fertility as sexy– curvy hips, supple breasts, youth, and so forth. I mean, qualities that indicate fertility are the very qualities they tell us men are biologically programmed to seek out. Infertility just ruins it all. In addition to weight gain, injection bruises, and breakouts, we have to feel like our bodies can’t do the one thing they were meant to do.

    Argh. I hope you’ll feel better.

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