Not Sure What to Say

I have spoken with bio dad, but it was mostly superficial. He’s obviously never going to answer my questions. My guess is that he doesn’t want to lie to me. If he honestly didn’t think about me throughout the years, I’m sure he’s embarassed.

I’ve spoked a great deal to his wife and a few times to my sister.

I believe he has no idea what to say to me considering the craziness that is infertility that I’m going through. Kind of tough to talk about your uterus to your newly found bio dad. Either way, it irritates me that major things are going on in my life, and he can’t pick up a damn phone. I’m having surgery next week, and instead of just including him in a group email, I picked up the phone and called. I told his wife about it and let her know that I did send an email as well giving all the details about it. I told her it was also included on my blog (that would be my other blog.) I could hear him in the background. I kind of lingered at the end of the conversation to see if anybody else wanted to talk, but his wife simply wrapped up the conversation. She didn’t do it rudely. She really does care about me and my situation. She ended with, “We’ll be thinking about you, and keeping you in our prayers. You have a good night sweetie.” Ummm…thanks…you too.. I just scratched my head and wondered why she didn’t ask me if I wanted to speak with bio dad or why bio dad didn’t say he wanted to talk too.

I think the whole situation just frustrates me. I make my feelings and emotions very clear, but his are held so close to him that I can’t get a glimpse of what they are. I guess I’ll figure it out eventually. After all, only time will tell.

What I think I learned…

I sent an email well over a week ago to bio dad, and he never responded. I asked him questions that were important to me. Did you think about me while I was growing up? You know the questions every child who’s biological parent has split wants to know the answers to. I called him after sending it, and he confirmed he recieved it. He told me he would email me back with his answers soon.

Still waiting.

That shouldn’t be a fucking hard question.

Sorry, a bit upset over here. A lot has been happening in my world. He hasn’t called in eight days, and prior to visiting he was calling every day to every other day. So, should I be believe he met me and simply didn’t like me? When we left he gave me a card, and inside it said that since I was back in his life again, he was never going to leave it again. A part of me wants to slap a post it on it with “Send this back to me when you really mean it.” and send it back to him.

He told me he reads my main blog daily. If that is the case, when he read that I had a miscarriage on Sunday, don’t you think he would have communicated with me in some way? If he’s uncomfortable calling, he could send an email. He could have called my mom (now that they are comfortable talking.) It would have only taken three little words….

“Are you ok?”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Can I help?”
“That really sucks.”

I’m not picky folks! Obviously a future “I love you” is purely out of the question. I’ve learned that just because you created somebody, doesn’t guarantee you will love them. The person who has truly given me life, the man who never knows what to say in these kinds of situations, the man who raised me, the man who wants desperately for all my dreams to come true, gave me a kiss on the forehead and said those very special three words, “I love you.” I’m lucky to have people in my life who love me so unconditionally. So unconditionally, in fact, that I have no idea how to deal with this new person in my life who doesn’t show any concern for me. A person who doesn’t really want to know what I’m thinking. A person who I don’t feel like I can just randomly pick up the phone and call. That’s truly sad, because that’s what I was hoping for…more family.

I now read a lot of blogs written by first moms, and listen to how much they love their children. I start to wonder if my bio dad doesn’t love me like they love their children because he didn’t carry me inside him. Then I think of a man who is a bio dad out there, he knows who he is, and think of his story. That theory doesn’t hold water, because he appears to love his daughter, and he didn’t know she even existed until thirteen years had passed. My bio dad was there throughout the pregnancy and first year of my life. Surely he would have bonded at some point. Now, I’m just not sure.

So, here I sit feeling like my world is spinning around me, and so very sad for this man. Sad that he missed twenty six years of my life. Sad that he may miss holding his grandchildren (some day, right?), and I would very much like to have him included in all of this. Awww…crap.