All the Grown Ups

It appears that all of the grown ups are behaving better than I could have ever imagined. Mom and bio dad are emailing and getting to know each other for who they are today. They have decided to set some private time aside to reconcile their past when we go to visit. I’m so proud of them. So, we’ve also set time up for the five of us to all go to dinner together. My mother and I will be cooking dinner at our condo for them. So, I’m intensely thankful for all of the respect everybody is showing each other. It makes it easier for me to breathe.

This is me sighing a giant sigh of relief.

I Feel Guilty

There are so many emotions and thoughts running around in my mind. My bio dad reads my other blog every day, and calls when he wants to talk about something I wrote. It’s nice, and I enjoy talking with him. We talk about three times a week. It’s a great ice breaker. From what I can see his is a doting dad to my sister and a nice guy. Yesterday we chatted about different jobs he’s held in the past, what he does now, and where he is going. I talked with my husband about it after we hung up. Instantly I felt guilty for feeling that I lived a much more priveldged life by living with my mom and dad. It’s a fact though. Socioeconomically we travel in different circles. It doesn’t make us better by any means. It just a difference. There wouldn’t have been trips all over the world if my mother had stayed with him. Rather, we would have struggled our entire life. It’s just strange. This of course does not affect my relationship with him or the type of man he is. It’s just a difference.

My bio dad is a welder, and my long time dad is a nuclear engineer. I would have been raised so differently. It’s interesting to sit and think what my life would have been like had things been different. Now I feel like a spoiled rotten brat for being grateful that things turned out the way they did. However, why wouldn’t I? I love my long time dad, and wouldn’t trade him for the world. Now, I’m just struggling to figure out where bio dad fits into the picture. Perhaps it will all fall into place when we meet. Perhaps not.

Counting Down to Reunion

I am sooo nervous about meeting bio dad. Give me strength to follow through. I have the normal fears…what if he doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like him? What will we talk about? Where will I fit into his life afterwards? Where will he want me to fit? Where will I want to fit? Am I ready to do this? If I ask that question, I will get overwhelmed, and chicken out. So, counting down the days, and hoping for the best!

Pleasantly Surprised

Today my mother and I were in a car accident. It’s written about over on my main site. I know that my bio dad reads my blog. He’s told me so. However, I know that he is also busy. So, I wasn’t sure if he read about the accident or not. In the back of my mind I was wondering if he would call? Would he care? What did I expect him to do? I wasn’t even sure. He did call. My husband saw a blocked number, and I was next door visiting my neighbor. So, I didn’t get the message until after he had already gone to bed. Bummer.

He called. He cares.

I am so touched. Our relationship is so new that I never know what to expect. Today made me glow from the inside out.

Every step I take towards establishing this relationship, I make sure to note how it feels. I want to remember this from the child’s point of view. Some day my own child will want to know his roots, and I plan on talking about it from the very begining. I want to remember what is in my heart now, so I can understand how my own child will feel later. It’s not about my parents, but about me. It won’t be about me as a parent, it will be about my child. Do I get a gold star for that?

This I Know

Despite all of the craziness there is one thing I know for sure….

I AM LOVED.

I’m not mad at my family for having a tough time with this. They weren’t adopted. How on Earth could they imagine how it must feel. I can’t blame them for not understanding, if I can’t even explain it to them. It’s my job to help them learn, understand, and work towards accepting. I can’t confront the situation with anger. Rather I should be patient, and give them some grace and time. They wouldn’t worry if they didn’t love me. They wouldn’t be scared if they didn’t love me. They wouldn’t be so torn up if they didn’t love me.

When a parent comes from a place of love, it is hard to be overly upset with them. The fact remains, they are supportive. My mother is footing a hotel bill for a week at $168 a night so I can see bio dad! She wouldn’t do that if she wasn’t supportive and if she didn’t love me. She may not always get it right, but damn do any of us? This is where you learn that forgiveness is better than anger. Giving the benefit of the doubt is better than jumping to conclusions.

These people all love me. Yes, I want to pull my hair out, because there is so much raw emotion and baggage floating around, but the fact is through thick and thin we will be there for each other. That’s what family is. That’s what families do.

Today mom pointed out a gift for bio sister, but she refused to say sister. It was a gift that would be engraved. She said you could always put y’know on it. She couldn’t say sister, but she thought it. That is progress. That shows just how hard she is trying. So, I will choose to focus on that.

Opinions

Why is it that everybody has an opinion on something that really is none of their damn business? I’m ready to pull out every hair on my head. I’m babysitting everybody and their baggage. Brother feels blindsided, and has no clue why I would want to do this. He’s fiercly loyal to long time dad. (Ummm…me too.) Mom is frustrated and running around like a chicken with her head cut off. She’s all kinds of twisty on the inside, but trying to be motherly and supportive. (I wish I could make this easier for her.) Long time dad is insecure and scared. Bio dad is excited and thrilled. Bio grandparents are over the moon. Bio sister is the most excited. (And I find that touching.) I’ve goteen calls from family members all of which are trying to be supportive, but for the life of them can’t figure out why I would do this to myself and family. (How the hell do I explain this?) My long time grandma has been my best ally other than hubby. Long time grandma is actually long time dad’s mother. Who would have guessed she would be the most supportive one in the family?!

Please tell me everybody chills out soon!

I have booked a week to see bio dad with mom in March. I had no way to not have her go. She’s been with me through everything else, and she wants to go. So, I guess I want her there in some ways. Perhaps this will help her heal.

I would kill for some good sleep!

More

My Reality said this a few days ago. I’d be happy to answer.

“How fantastic! All of it! I am glad that everything just feels right. I am glad your mom took this well and I think Mel might be right about the “I did this” vs. the “I am considering this.”

I hope that things continue to go well. Any plans for meeting up with your bio dad? I am still curious – how did you find your bio grandparents? I know how overwhelming this can all be, so when things calm down, maybe you can fill in some blanks for me!”

Yes, I formed plans to meet bio dad today. I think I will go after my foster to adopt classes are done. It is perfect timing for my newly found sister’s birthday. She turn seven. My grandparents will be visiting then too. So, I guess I will get to meet the whole darn family at once. At this point the plan is to rent a car (we only have one and a motorcycle. It’s too cold for hubby to ride right now, and he has to go to work. Not enough time off right now), and possibly stay with them. I am contiplating the first few days staying in a hotel. Just until we all know each other well enough. Of course this will cause an uproar with my mother. She doesn’t want me driving the ten hours alone. She also thinks I will need emotional support. She wants to go. She said I could have the evenings with them, and during the day she and I could sight see. My dad vetoed that idea. Sooo, I guess we’ll see.

I used the internet to find bio grandparents. I went here, and here.. It wasn’t too difficult, because there are the only ones that came up in the search. I had three phone numbers that came in a report that I paid for. I called the first one, and it was disconnected. The second number rang and rang. The third number, bio grandparents answered. It was an awkward situation after that. We worked our way through that.

I have now had several conversations with bio grandparents and bio dad. Oooh, and two conversations with little bio sister! It still feels strange to have to write bio in front of things. I find I do it for my family, and not for myself. Yes, my dad is my dad. I just view it as now I have two dads. It doesn’t negate everything that my dad and I have gone through. It simply validates the fact that my bio dad is also a dad. Sooo complicated. I’m swimming in the see of unknown. My bio dad’s wife had her ovaries removed, due to a long family history of ovarian cancer. Her doctor suggested she remove them. She just lost her mother last year due to ovarian cancer. So, she followed his advice, and the stirrup queen in me was sad for her. I know she wanted more children. However, she sighed and said to bio dad last night that she is happy that she now has two daughters and she’s glad bio sister won’t be an only child per se anymore. I was touched. The mama bear in my mother would be ready to kill. I can hear her snarling now, “She’s not your mother! I’m your mother!” Yup, I know. Doesn’t stop me from feeling very moved that she is so welcoming and loving.

Any other questions? My head is just floating with things. Must put feet back on floor. It’s that whole honeymoon phase.

Oh, and Mel was right. I think my mother is better with “it is” as opposed to “it will.” Very astute!

A Whole Lot of Information

Ok, pardon the lists, but it has been one hell of a week.

1. I told my mother. I decided that I have made my decision to pursue this, and I need to accept the consequences. More over, I need to help her understand why I want to walk down this road. She shocked me. She wasn’t over the moon thrilled, but she understood and said she’d support me. Wow! She stepped up to the plate in a major way. She also dug out old photos that she kept in the safe, and turned them over to me. I give her major credit for all of this. It must be hard for her and my dad.

2. I spoke again with my bio grandparents. They were soooo excited! We laughed and chatted for an hour or so. I sent them a very nice bound photo album with pictures from the past few years. My mom said that we could gather an assortment of pics form my childhood and send them to them.

3. My bio dad called yesterday. I about died. We talked for over an hour, and I’m still speachless. He emailed me pictures of him, his wife, and my sister. He has never kept me a secret…not even from his daughter. I feel so blessed right now.

4. I called them this morning due to major storms in their area last night. They have no power, but are ok. I talked to my sister. I still can’t get over the fact that she is six and I am twenty seven. I guess that just means I get to be there and experience her life as it happens.

So, I’m so scatter brained right now that coming up with a coherent post is impossible. I’m so excited, scared, thrilled, happy, insert any other adjective you can think about. Crazy! My world just feels right.